| But we did one thing while we were alive, We gave them one shot after the other to fight for being |
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| 05:45pm 04/07/2004 |
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mood:  ecstatic music: Train - Ordinary
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ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God, how great I feel. It's so wonderful to be able to share my thoughts and opinions with someone in a civilized matter, on all things, and have them not be defensive, but instead share their thoughts and feelings equally while stating why they think these things. It's what I've been looking for really.
Spent the night with Britt W. Wonderful time, spent the entire day together, was wonderful. What's even better is I don't have to see her to think about her, or to know she's thinking about me, or even to feel safe that she might not hurt me. I'm not afraid of that...I'm not at all. I'm afraid of getting attached again, but I do believe it's a little late for that. I talked to her about it, and we're both scared to death. She's been hurt so many times, and I won't hurt her. I want to try and make it work, I'll do what I can to make it work. I have no problem with working, I know I won't with this. I just want to make sure I'm not stopping her.
I'm anything but ordinary... |
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| Yea we rock, we rock, we rock, to the new sensation |
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| 02:43pm 01/07/2004 |
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mood: happy music: Against Me! - Mutiny on the Electronic Bay
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I've been doing my best to enjoy my life and the new-found joys that its brought. Freedom, in a sense, to know I'm not obligated to anyone but myself, and that I choose to take care of other people. It's refreshing, almost.
I'm doing my best to create a relationship, I'm not sure what's going on with it, but I know I want to at least try it. I had a long talk with her about my fears, and goals. About what I want in my life, and that it's really quite simple. She says she wants to see me happy, I told her what would make me happy, but you know...I don't want to scare her away by making her think she can't make me happy. I enjoy every moment I'm spending with her, it's wonderful and refreshing too. It's a change, something I've needed, and a person who says they're willing to stick with me through the tough times and the good. She told me things that she probably hasn't told most, and I respect her for that. Takes some guts. I told her some things that most people don't know either.
I just don't want her to run away because shes starting to like me and I'm starting to like her. I care about everyone, but it is true that you can start to like a person enough to care more. For once I'm going to give God credit for something here, he's at least giving me a chance not to fuck up...
Where do we go from here? |
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| And I hope I haven't overdone it now! |
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| 12:18pm 23/06/2004 |
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music: Against Me! - T.S.R. (this Shit Rules)
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So, went out last night, hung out with Brittany White, who I shall now refer to as Britt W, so no one thinks I'm being retarded and thinking about the other one all the time. Because I think it's time to get moving, might as well enjoy my summer as best I can and move on.
To quote Against Me! :
It's only this fucked up as I realize that all this living is just dying.
And if these are my friends, if this is my home
If this is how I spend my nights
How i communicate and demonstrate a love of life
My eyes
Time to make this living living and dying something that I just welcome when it comes.
And now for something entertaining...the names of the guilty are changed because...well I feel nice.
Gay Guy who IMed me asking ASL: fuck u
Me, of course: Wow...little hostile there Elizabeth.
Auto response from Gay Guy who IMed me asking ASL: I will be right back.
Me, of course: Maybe you should be the one in therapy so mom and dad can pay someone $200/hour to listen to your thoughts, so we don't have to.
Gay Guy who IMed me asking ASL: fuck u
Me, of course: I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby.
Me, of course: I'm not sure what I did to ask for such hostility, but it's more entertaining for me than watching Macross...
Gay Guy who IMed me asking ASL: fuck u ok were u live
Me, of course: I said...Maryland d00d
Gay Guy who IMed me asking ASL: house number
Me, of course: If you're really THAT curious...100 Jason's Ridge
Me, of course: Smithsburg, Maryland d00d.
Me, of course: Have a hay day. |
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| I'm back, and I'll say what I want kthxbai |
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| 11:18pm 19/06/2004 |
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mood:  thirsty music: Anime - Macross Plus - Sharon Apple - A Sai En [Anime]
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Just call me a giant pacifist.
So, I went to the beach, got back Thursday when I realized I had $0 left. I got Mel some seashells like she wanted, hopefully I can get a safe envelope and send them to her. Such a sweetheart, hope everything is ok with her, since I ALWAYS MANAGED TO MISS HER PHONECALLS TODAY!
Ugh, I can't believe I missed them, I was busy putting up drywall with my dad and had my phone outside. I'm sorry Mel, I promise to have my phone on ALL DAY tomorrow and by my side every second.
So I didn't attract any females at the beach, nothing new there, it's not like I'm a "babe magnet", heh. I guess I just wasn't enough of an asshole or rude enough like the rest of my friends. For some reason all the girls at the beach are interested in guys who are just flat out rude. Where did I go wrong in being a nice guy? I'm starting to think I should be an asshole if I ever want to have a date ever again.
In any case, I'm home, pennyless, and wanting to talk to Mel SO BAD. Just need to catch up with her and see how she's doing. DAMNIT MEL CALL ME SOMETIME TOMORROW ^_^
Oh, and I'll say what I want about caring and what not, I'm TOTALLY partial to myself. |
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| All we have, is these pictures of us |
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| 12:32pm 11/06/2004 |
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mood: gloomy music: Against Me! - The Politics Of Starving
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If it doesn't matter now, then it never really did.
Yea pathetic day. Damned rain, damning me to being sad. I have to watch the boys tonight, then I'm going to the beach tomorrow. Should be fun. I can't help but think, and that bothers me. One day I'll figure things out, I suppose. I dunno, maybe I won't, maybe I'm damned to be tired. |
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| I can't help but wonder |
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| 10:26am 10/06/2004 |
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mood: rejected music: Against Me! - Nah Nah Nah
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So, I'm going to the beach soon. And I can't help but bring up the past, since that seems to be a regular theme when considering my relationship with Britt. It's ok for her to hold the past against me, might as well hold it against her. She decided to leave me in the cold, that was the first clue I had that she didn't really care. Why didn't I notice sooner.....eh?
Maybe I'm the one who's been hurt over and over, and maybe I'm the one who WAS trying hard enough ,but someone else was just yanking me along for the good ride. Fuck that. |
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| You want the truth? |
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| 02:15am 08/06/2004 |
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mood:  cynical music: Against Me! - Walking Is Still Honest
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I'm somewhere in between miserable and happy. I'm going to Ocean City this weekend with the guys, and staying the entire week. Should be fun, since I don't have to pay for anything but food. It'll likely bring up so memories of times past, and I'll probably cry inside a little bit. I cry everytime I think about the past, and all the things I've lost for good. I know I could've been happy with her, but apparently that's not going to happen. I'm too stubborn to come back as a "second" option. Not after offering my soul to someone. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I'm looking so hard to find something to take that place of what I'm missing. I miss being able to just go see her when I wanted, that's the biggest thing. Someone that always wanted to see me and someone I always wanted to see. It was wonderful, and I miss that. I miss that more than anything.
I dunno, maybe I should stop thinking about it. Not that it helps any, always sitting in the back of my mind. I'll just pretend she hates me, and is already married to this other guy. That way I don't have to believe this shit about "there's a chance in the future". I won't be around then, especially if she's "with" any of the other guys she might date between now and then. That's the thing, I'd wait forever if I knew she wouldn't "be" with anyone else. That frustrates me more than anything...more than God does usually.
All Alone
I'm not sure
What I'm gonna
do anymore
But I'm left alone
I'm all alone
not sure what to do
Not knowing if my head
Will help me get through
Leave this place
and whats left to me
You, alone
Are what I always see
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm all alone without you
Left to decide
What I'm gonna say
Never to die
I'm not that way
I won't let you
Steal my love
I'm tired of God
Just sitting above
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm all alone without you
I'm all alone, without you
The newest piece brought straight to you from me. If you want, I recorded myself singing the first verse and chorus. I can link you, just lemme know (this way I don't have to worry about eating bandwidth from Jeff). |
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| What We Worked For |
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| 03:25pm 06/06/2004 |
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music: Against Me! - What We Worked For
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To my friends and enemies who could of been anything,
Titans and heroes who found sruvival in cause and effect.
Behind counters,
Behind windows,
Striving just
To be people
With bitter ideals of justice.
Do we only need to keep working because it pays rent?
Sleeping under plastic stars glued to ceiling,
Muscles burning alcohol and nicotine
Every morning.
But we gave them hell
Sums some things up, non? I'm feeling good today, despite my lack of hanging out with a human being the past few days. GO CAPITALISM! |
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| Unsubstantiated? |
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| 01:07am 05/06/2004 |
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mood: crappy music: Against Me!- Unsubstantiated Rumors are Good
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I'd like to sum something up with a song now...
Well do you to want to talk about it,
Do you think you'd understand,
How things can get so fucked up
with such good intentions.
If roofs turn to sky,
Held by the gravity of nothing,
An ironic and literal
making of a bed.
You know you can walk away,
But there is a reason to stay.
They make bad jokes, it's okay not to laugh.
For every push foward, you get the same fucking push back.
You have nowhere to go, so you found someplace,
you have nothing to say you start lying
What the fuck were you thinking
I'm not sorry
I'd do it all again.
Now with all the lines so burred between hate, love, and revenge
it's just dead, it's dead, it's dead,
it's just dead feelings.
I'll try forever to kid myself, like the last part says. I'm not sorry, I would do everything all over again. I loved it, miss it too.
I hate these songs
I hate the words
That the singer is singin to me
I hate this melody
I hate this stupid fucking drum beat
All this applies to me, because they keep pouring out in everything I do. Nothing I can do can stop it. Amazing how it takes something like this to restore my creativity, I guess I can say thanks for that much... |
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| Good morning |
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| 08:58am 04/06/2004 |
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mood: amused music: Against Me! - Walking Is Still Honest
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You can do almost anything when you're on your fucking knees.
To quote Against Me! :
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
That about sums up my day so far. I'll probably get back to this after I go to the gym....in 3 minutes. Oh shit, looks like I need to get going. I'll be back later this morning, 'til around 4. Take it easy.
Not today,
Not my son,
Not my family,
Not while walking is still honest
And you haven't given up on me |
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| I wanna be a shot heard round the world, fucking unstoppable |
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| 11:31pm 03/06/2004 |
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mood: chipper music: Against Me! - Untitled
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The past few days have been some of the best in my recent memory. I won't let myself be drug down by the fact that she wanted to toss things to the wind. I also won't be waiting so long now. She told me not to, fine then, I know you're not. If you want don't want things now, then that means you don't want them bad enough. I'm not going to be waiting around for your second hand fallback. I won't be here for when you've finally decided you don't wanna "try" other guys anymore. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but hell. I'm allowed, I think.
I'm going to move on, and I'm going to be unstoppable because unstoppable is something to be.
I miss everyone, especially a few. I miss you Ran, I hope to see you soon. I'll make that trip to Pitt as soon as I can. |
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| It doesn't make sense |
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| 11:18pm 01/06/2004 |
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mood: dying music: Clarks - Born Too Late
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Everyday I get worse. Somehow, today I feel physically ill...horribly physically ill. When will it stop....when? When will I get my head back, and myself? |
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| Final goodbyes to all, I suppose |
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| 03:12am 26/05/2004 |
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I'm not sure what I'm trying to do anymore. I never knew in the first place. I've never known...don' t think I ever will.
I just know one thing: What's going on in my life right now isn't what I want. That's not ok with me. While I don't plan on the ultimate cop out, it has crossed my mind several times. Hell more than several. Those of you that read probably have a some way of contacting me, but I want to just say a few words to anyone who may or may not take the time to read this.
Britt - First and foremost my only love for life. I'm leaving, for good. I don't know what I'll do, or if I'll really go anywhere. Whatever happens, I'm sorry but I won't let you know. I figure if I'm that unimportant anymore, I can slip away, and let it all go finally. I'm going to be miserable day in and day out, but maybe I'll manage to beat any thought of you out of my head before I die trying. I can't read about anything you do anymore, I can't. I hear things that make my heart rip in two. Despite what you think, I do love you, always will love you. But to quote an Against Me! song:
One day, I will call,
from a payphone at a truck stop on the road.
And you'll tell me how much better off you've been, on... your... own.
I honestly am starting to believe you never loved me by my definition of love, but for once my definition fits me. Always will, of course. Goodbye, good luck, my heart is always yours. I can't even get online because I just keep hitting "refresh" on your Xanga page. I can't take the pain.
Mel- You're a wonderful person, I'm going to do my best to stay in contact with you, but I'm leaving most of the internet behind at this point. Email me however you can, I'll let you know what I'm gonna do ASAP. It's time for me to be moving on. An Against Me! quote for you:
It was fun while it lasted, but now we must be going!
I hope everybody had a real real good time
You'll always be my friend, and always in my thoughts. You're a wonderful person and deserve the best.
Mike Brickhouse- You're a good guy, behind all the homosexual propaganda...yea propaganda. Don't let people get you down, ever. You're gonna make it, unfortunately ^_^. Thank you so much for being there for me when I needed you, you're a great guy and a great friend. One of the best anyone could have. Thank you, and I will see you at Otakon, of course.
Andrew - you thought provoking bastard who, of late, has been absent to fill my life with wisdom. I miss talking to you bud, but I'm starting to think talking online isn't going to happen. I can't get online, I'm always too curious. So sue me, I'm human...I'll see you at Otakon too.
Pete - Asshole, that's all I have to say. You have my phone number, just fucking call it fgt. You're a great guy, and a hell of a smart fucker for 16. Don't let yourself lose site of the point: Fucking Unstoppable.
Zach- probably the only other person's LiveJournal I ever read. Take it easy, keep getting better at guitar. Email me sometime, I'm always around, address hasn't changed. I'll at least get on to check it, or if not just try sierdw3@juniata.edu . I'll let you know how to stay in touch. |
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| Nobility Ain't Just Blood |
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| 01:22am 24/05/2004 |
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mood: creative music: Against Me! - What We Worked For
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Inspired by the current Against Me! song of the moment:
Nobility Ain't Just Blood
It's the fight that matters when you go to bat
It's not the same when you're not going hard
To make sure everyone is coming back
Because you made them feel alive again
You know its working just to live
But is that even living anymore?
Music is a love that will never die from me
Its the one thing I can enjoy and not be payed to do
Wheres the other 3 who can help me
In this task
Of playing til I bleed and coming back for more
There aren't many left
That are like this
Playing from the heart
Not wanting anything back
And cracking skulls
With a new found sound
I jumped the gun with a few things
Love can make you think
About things so untrue
And for my friends who aren't there
And for the enemies that never left
I'm still standing, I'm taking it to them
One step at a time
I just need someone who'll do it too
There aren't many left
That are like this
Playing from the heart
Not wanting anything back
Cracking skulls
With a new found sound
Stomping them into the ground
Into the sound |
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| I've never worked so hard for something |
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| 01:15am 24/05/2004 |
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music: Against Me! - What We Worked For
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As I've been working so hard to show her that I do love her. It's impossible to prove to her, beacuse she's convinced herself its impossible. She's admitted recently that I'm right pretty often, maybe she'll realize I'm right about this one too. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long, but I will if I have to.
Lost the confidence to write a song,
So I found three simple chords
And held them together with my weak voice
On an out of tune guitar
My father gave to me.
May Elvis turn in his grave
And Les Paul kiss my dirty, calloused fingers
And may the likes of this song never make
One fucking dollar,
leave it for a demo tape
To be played until it's broken,
Then remembered only for what it was.
That we gave them hell
That we gave them hell
That we gave them hell
That we gave them hell
That we gave them hell
That we gave them hell
To my friends and enemies who could of been anything,
Titans and heroes who found sruvival in cause and effect.
Behind counters,
Behind windows,
Striving just
To be people
With bitter ideals of justice.
Do we only need to keep working because it pays rent?
Sleeping under plastic stars glued to ceiling,
Muscles burning alcohol and nicotine
Every morning.
But we gave them hell
But we gave them hell
But we gave them hell
But we gave them hell
But we gave them hell
But we gave them hell
There's a height beyond skyscrapers,
There's a distance beyond the freeway,
More than pictures in a magazine,
More than tragedy in a rock and roll song.
It's more than actions you know are safe to make.
It's more than money could ever buy.
Are we working to live and die in American cities?
Living to work and die in American cities,
And dying for what we worked.
I hope she can come to the same conclusion I've come to. One day.
But we gave them hell if she doesn't. |
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| BURN BURN BURN |
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| 03:03pm 20/05/2004 |
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mood: ANARCHY! music: Against Me! - Burn
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It'll burn burn burn
Like they did to the Anarchists at their stakes
And it'll burn burn burn
Like the histories they stole from us
One day patriotic thugs will dance to songs of justice
And cringe, and rack guns of shame
That sums it up I suppose. I'm such an anarchist now it's funny. Was I driven there? I hope so. |
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| Weee.. |
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| 09:48am 10/05/2004 |
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mood: crappy music: Flogging Molly - Death Valley Queen
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I'm posting again, I'm pathetic. I'm listening to Flogging Molly with hopes of feeling better. Death Valley Queen, go marry your King. I'll just......yea. |
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| What was I up to? |
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| 09:59am 25/04/2004 |
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Other than trying to keep my sister from getting me in trouble with security last night, nothing.
We were drunk, she tripped outside the appartments across campus. An RA flipped out and thought she passed out (which is a lie) and called security. They proceeded to bitch me out.
I was like..."What about the other 40 people outside underage and drunk?"
It was a spunky night. I don't blame Nicki. If I get in trouble, I'm going to start doing the things I said I should, and that's fighting back. I'm tired of taking it. Not again. Not something this totally unfair. I'll tell them all what it's like, unfortunately they'll have no idea... Oh well
Anyway, I don't have a hangover, oh well. Fun shit anyway. I'm gonna take Nicki to see Kill Bill Vol. 2 today. Last night was awesome, I spent the night with Bob (Juliana)...why do I feel strongly connected to her? |
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| Fuck what they say... |
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| 08:10pm 20/04/2004 |
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mood: amused music: System of a Down - IEAIAIO
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Maybe it's just me, but I'm less stressed now that things are done with me and Britt (amazing how I don't refrain from using full names, nor am I too lazy to type it out. Either way, yea...). It's like a giant weight is lifted, live for me, my life. Fuck them all, fuck them all. All those spectres of the work place.
I'm sick of feeling bad for something that I didn't really do. Sure, I had some problems, but I didn't see them as that critical. Unfortunately I had to take a me first attitude and someone just couldn't understand that. Maybe because they're always me first. Oh wait, they'll deny it. Here I'm stooping to taking pot shots on an internet journal. Pathetic really. I should be taking pot shots at Bush instead.
It's time to live this summer like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't. It's time to rock with my cock out. I will not regret a night or day, not this time. Not again. |
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| Decent day... |
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| 09:51am 15/04/2004 |
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mood: content music: Flogging Molly - What's Left of the Flag
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So yea, it hasn't been a terrible day, really. It's been fairly nice. I'm finally feeling better. I managed to get pink-eye spontaneously, whoda thunk? I'm finally getting into the wind down sequence of things. Only 7 days of class left...7...
YAY FOR ME!
RAISE WHATS LEFT OF THE FLAG FOR ME GOD DAMNIT! |
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